The Naughty Natal Report

Sexual Astrological Interpretations of a Humorous Kind for

 

Bill Clinton

August 19, 1946

8:51 AM

Hope, Arkansas



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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     26 Leo 00
                 Moon    20 Tau 18
                 Mercury  7 Leo 36
                 Venus   11 Lib 07
                 Mars     6 Lib 21

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 
14:51:00   Time Zone: 6 hours West

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Prepared By:

 

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Sun in Leo:

Leo: Key Words: How great thou Art! What more needs to be said?

"I did it for you, what do you mean you won't do it for me?", says the unappreciated Leo. That sums up the main characteristics of the Leo native, except they need to communicate without the use of a sledge hammer to bring their point across.

Positive attributes for Leo natives is that they don't carry grudges in any situation, it is too much of an effort, instead Leo's carry coolers full of party favors around with them at all times, just in case an opportunity for fun and amusement comes up, and oh yes, Leo's talk very loud. Leos hate to compete, mainly because they are having too good a time and prefer doing nothing. It's an automatic "You win, let's party" situation.

Leo's will spend every dime they have and some they don't have (on the old credit cards) to make an impression on this weeks love God or Goddess. In some instances (more than not) the Leo's search for romance and conquering proves very expensive, and very unsatisfying, if at takes place at all! The Leo male will find it amazing that they bring candy, flowers and all the niceties on a date or other informal setting and don't score, or their expectations are shot down, and then the same object of this Leo's affections will go out with the first person who mistreats them (figuratively) and maul them like a tigress making love for the very first time. It just baffles the Leo mind, but still he/she never gives up the pursuit of whatever they are pursuing?

Typical male or female Leo careers can be found in Publishing or TV productions (you know the one, come on up to my office and read a script for me) and writing plays or movies.

Marriage for the Leo male or female is like playing Russian Roulette with a slight twist. In this case, all the chambers have a bullet.

Moon in Taurus:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

The almighty dollar is their weakness, it makes them strong, needed, and gives them a strong sense of power over others. A real stubbornness exists with people with Moon in Taurus that simply must have the last word in any conversation and, cannot stop or give in to any situation even though they know they are dead wrong . . . . "I know money is what I need, I'm insecure!" says the typical Taurean, "and I hate to charge you anything at all for my services", "But that will be $35. just the same."

If you want to see a Moon in Taurus native blow a fuse and have an emotional breakdown (which isn't probable under normal circumstances), give them two things to do at the same time and tell them you need them both, yesterday, or see if they can juggle and chew gum at the same time. You'll probably get the reply "Do you want me to chew gum, or juggle, now make up your mind!" Just for a laugh, tell this Moon in Taurus native you are going to make a change in their job description. Lead it off with "To Include: In addition to your present job, the list that follows:" Ah, the panic in their minds as gears change, brain cells snap, the eyes go buggy and around in circles, and "terror" rattles the nervous system, then, the inevitable cigarette goes into the mouth, like a pacifier.

The Moon in Taurus's emotions tend to be steady, just like making bank deposits week after week, after week, easy does it! Yes, we are secure now, and we're feeling much better, thank you! You can always tell an emotionally unhappy Moon in Taurus person because they always wind up with sore throats or problems with the throat, or have their heads buried in the cookie jar and any form of sweets.

The typical Moon in Taurus native is very practical, and uses instinct in emotional situations. This means, that if it feels good, and they can profit by it, they'll do it, no matter what the task!

Moon in Taurus natives never rush into love, for love to them is like moldy cheese in the refrigerator, just waiting to be thrown out because they just never got around to it. At that very moment, they take notice of it. Courtships are not the Moon in Taurus's style, because to them, it is just a bunch of Indians running around in circles. After awhile, they forget who is who and why. Moon in Taurus natives don't commit easily, and when they do, they should be committed, literally. In other words, some people find commitments give strength to relationships, but Moon in Taurus people see it as a sign of ownership.

Mercury in Leo:

Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

These people have the ability to write and talk to other people who aren't there, and this is the person who can play act a part with or without a partner. "Oh to be me, for all the world to see!"

Remember in the Wizard of Oz and the Tin Man who wanted a brain? Enough said! They must learn to exercise their mind some, in other words start using it.

These natives are the authors of the unabridged version of:" My mouth is open. I will utter something, and you will admire and adore me". Mercury in Leo people can be best described as "The Phony, trying to push Bologna!"

For Mercury in Leo people, love takes place in the mind, but falls short in the physical, leaving you exhausted and frustrated. In their mind however, they  had a great time and feel that their partner should say it was great as well. After all, she/he was there too! Or were they?

A story is just a story, but with a little exaggeration mixed with a little accentuation and a whole lot of imagination, and it is not a story anymore. It becomes an event, an adventure, a metaphor of meadow muffins, and a downright hilarious one at that!  I should know for it is I, the author of this satirical interpretation who has spent long hours putting together this mindless piece of artwork. I am a gosh darned one man show, with the applauds, the thank you's, and the endless speeches with no one else around. I think it makes for fun reading though, don't you? Well, what do you know anyway? On with the show!

Venus in Libra:

Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

Never come home and say to this person, "Gee, the house looks great!, but you look a bit frumpy!". This will start Niagara Falls flowing.

Expect to find the Venus in Libra home rearranged. . . . often!

They have a talent for nastiness, and can swear so fluently that it frightens everyone. To be fair, there are those who hate coarse behavior. In this instance, body slamming isn't a turn on, and a gentler approach should be sought. Try dipping them in chocolate and let nature take its course. This sign must be careful with chocolates, sweets and excessive sex, as it weakens the kidneys. More water must be ingested to keep them in tip top shape.

Harmony in courtship and marriage is extremely important to the Venus in Libra. Remember you can't seduce them with heavy rock music playing in the background because you may wind up with a very nervous lover.

These people look for relationships that are bonded, like cement, and impossible to get out of unless you disrupt the aura around them (sorry, didn't mean to get esoteric).

Venus in Libra is another air sign which means that you have to go to the cloud they live on to communicate. Just be careful where you step though, it is a long way down. They need mental stimulation so try saying "I love you" in many different voices until you find one that strikes their fancy. Dirty movies live in the realm of mental stimulation, so try a Dirty Harry movie or some pornographic facsimile.

Venus in Libra people may be attracted to older lovers at some point, especially if they have money. They love money as it represents security, and if your intended is much older, then they won't have to wait long to inherit. It's boorish, cruel and the truth. On the other hand, you can be attracted to VERY young ones as well. Here is where the phrase "robbing" the baby carriage came from.

These people have a great sense of hearing. You must be careful when you talk about them because they invented the saying "The Walls Have Ears".

Mars in Libra:

Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

Rulership is mine says this placement of Mars. You need a partner who is open to love making adventures, like diving off a cliff or having sex in the path of an approaching speedboat. This is true excitement!

At other times they are so considerate of their romantic partner, that they will sit down with them and fill out a questionnaire of likes and dislikes, turn ons and turnoffs, times, dates and places. How sweet and considerate, and a true description of Mars in Libra.

These people must have their own way with this position of Libra. They swing like the scales, an easy going pain in the neck. They can be kind and gentile, or drive you off the road in their car. If this person would ever learn that anger isn't the answer and adopt an attitude of waiting, the desired outcome will come to pass, but no, they've got to take matters into their own hands screwing up the works. Well, see if I care then!

Oddly enough, a lousy marriage is like spiritual awareness in the final examination of things for these natives. They are very intuitive people and must learn to be aggressive and humble equally. In other words learn when to act and when to shut up!

This placement has all the intimacy of two people running towards each other without their feet ever touching the ground. Think about it, it will come to you. Here is the person who is able to make love to an illusion, or some reasonable facsimile.

They have a talent for nastiness, and can swear so fluently that is frightens everyone